I slowly realised that I’ve spent this past year searching for any sign of you. In every message he sent, every mention of your name, every face, every word, every kiss that wasn’t yours. But you’re gone. Not hiding, not lost; gone. I don’t know if you were ever real. Did I imagine you, were you an illusion? Does it matter? You’re not coming back, I know that now. It’s time to let you go.
I never knew it was possible to mourn someone who is both here and gone. I’ve sat in longing and despair; the blackest depression, the deepest grief. I’ve spent a year waiting, most of it in silence, lamenting a lost life that was never really mine. A life that was never here enough to be gone. At the end of it all what has my patience borne? A profound and prolonged bereavement he isn’t capable of understanding, a depth of darkness he will try to claim but never truly know or care.
It’s time to end this grieving, figure out who I am without you. Time to accept I have to tread this path alone. Holding on to hope has done nothing but hold me back and I want to be free of this weight, this wait.
I loved you deeply, I hope you knew and felt that. I don’t know quite how to say it, but here it is: goodbye x