Category Archives: words
I slowly realised that I’ve spent this past year searching for any sign of you. In every message he sent, every mention of your name, every face, every word, every kiss that wasn’t yours. But you’re gone. Not hiding, not lost; gone. I don’t know if you were ever real. Did I imagine you, were you an illusion? Does it matter? You’re not coming back, I know that now. It’s time to let you go.
I never knew it was possible to mourn someone who is both here and gone. I’ve sat in longing and despair; the blackest depression, the deepest grief. I’ve spent a year waiting, most of it in silence, lamenting a lost life that was never really mine. A life that was never here enough to be gone. At the end of it all what has my patience borne? A profound and prolonged bereavement he isn’t capable of understanding, a depth of darkness he will try to claim but never truly know or care.
It’s time to end this grieving, figure out who I am without you. Time to accept I have to tread this path alone. Holding on to hope has done nothing but hold me back and I want to be free of this weight, this wait.
I loved you deeply, I hope you knew and felt that. I don’t know quite how to say it, but here it is: goodbye x
Close your eyes and listen.
A blackbird sings from the top of the tallest beech, his song a kiss to break the spell of night. The rattle and scrape of leaves falling through the trees is more startling than you expect: the sound of autumn hard at work. Nearby the river bubbles in a soothing drone and waterbirds cackle through its wake.
Now, open your eyes and see: webs, dew, leaves, light. Everything your heart needs to keep beating. Everything your soul needs to keep breathing.
I awake to the blue light before dawn and peek through the curtains. Fresh from dreaming I decide that this morning will do. It is still enough, light enough, the leaves are turned enough.
As the sun climbs into the east we wrap ourselves up against the freshly arrived cold, then make our way through the morning. Ice glitters across the country roads and on into the quiet fields and farmyards we pass along the way.
The woods are empty, for a while at least. But they are blissfully full of forest sounds: droplets dripping from the trees, small birds hopping through the branches, raven calling from the tallest beech. Here those first rays of light illuminate the season. Autumn flourishes through the trees in full colour, her touch lending a soft sleepiness to the rush of life that summer left behind.
It’s time to slow down now. Time to draw in upon ourselves and reflect upon the burst of colour that change brings. Time to embrace the rich light along with the early dark. We wander on into the trees, breath catching on the air and old leaves crumbling underfoot. Captured by beautiful transition, a solace in the truth that life is never entirely still.