I slowly realised that I’ve spent this past year searching for any sign of you. In every message he sent, every mention of your name, every face, every word, every kiss that wasn’t yours. But you’re gone. Not hiding, not lost; gone. I don’t know if you were ever real. Did I imagine you, were you an illusion? Does it matter? You’re not coming back, I know that now. It’s time to let you go.
I never knew it was possible to mourn someone who is both here and gone. I’ve sat in longing and despair; the blackest depression, the deepest grief. I’ve spent a year waiting, most of it in silence, lamenting a lost life that was never really mine. A life that was never here enough to be gone. At the end of it all what has my patience borne? A profound and prolonged bereavement he isn’t capable of understanding, a depth of darkness he will try to claim but never truly know or care.
It’s time to end this grieving, figure out who I am without you. Time to accept I have to tread this path alone. Holding on to hope has done nothing but hold me back and I want to be free of this weight, this wait.
I loved you deeply, I hope you knew and felt that. I don’t know quite how to say it, but here it is: goodbye x
After the long dark
little lights begin to shine,
snowdrops in the wood.
New edit of an old shot, some pretty snowdrops in my Dad’s garden. At this point I find myself happily thinking ahead, making plans again and dreaming about the future. When I start planning I know that I’m feeling myself again. I love to dream about the things I can do, places I want to travel to and goals I want to reach, but depression takes a lot of that away from you. It kills any ability to consider the next few days never mind the next year or two. It also robs you of motivation, the desire to do anything. I spent many evenings lying in bed, fully clothed, on the edge of sleep; mindlessly browsing the Internet or attempting to watch TV shows. Focus was utterly gone, what I was really doing was lying there waiting for enough time to pass so that I could go to sleep for the night. I hated it, but at the same time I knew I needed to just sink into it for a while.
Now that I’ve slowly pieced myself back together, I feel like I can finally make a start on living the full life I’ve always wanted to live. No one to take it away from me, make fun of it or fake it. I won’t make the mistake of allowing anyone to do that ever again. It’s wonderful to feel free like this, weaving the life I want from small daily plans, from moisturising my face at night to sitting in meditation after I wake. All these tiny steps of self care that fill our days, knowing that each one adds either adds to the future or builds upon a healthy, whole and happy life.
I feel like a snowdrop learning to bloom as winter’s grip begins to ease.